Cats & Dogs!

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow – Jeff Valdez.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Husband comes in soaking wet,
Wife: Wow! You’re soaked… it must be raining cats & dogs.
Husband: It sure is… I just stepped in a poodle. (pun intended)


Christmas plans

A man in Florida calls his son in New York two days before Christmas
And says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
Your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son gasps.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who freaks out on the phone.
“No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Florida immediately and pleads with her father,“You are
NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there.
I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by tomorrow. Until
then, don’t do a thing, YOU HEAR ME?”

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife…
“Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

Mistletoe

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center. Turning to the attendant, he said,
“Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?”
The attendant said, “So you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

Elephant

Q: Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow?
A: Because he didn’t want to fall in the hot chocolate. (ba-dum-pssh)

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist…

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read:
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to:
“Catatonics and High Colonics” No go.

Next, they tried
“Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives” Thumbs down again.

Then came
“Minds and Behinds” Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in
“Lost Souls and Butt Holes” Unacceptable again!

So they tried:
“Analysis and Anal Cysts” Not a chance.
“Nuts and Butts?” No way.
“Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go.
“Loons and Moons?” Forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Everyone loved it.